Nicole’s blog

Yep, it's about 12:50am right now.

I am wide awake, probably due to the cappuccino I had at olive garden...maybe. 

So I sat in bed for a while, realizing how anxious I get when I'm in school.  I realized that I have been truly unhappy because of all the anxiety I feel.  I'm not sure how it built up to this point, but I feel so unconfident in myself, I'm sure everyone can see it when they look at me.  I can hear it in my voice as well.  I try not to speak in class for fear of my peers catching my uncertainty.  Sure, I try to remember all the facts being presented to me, but do I really absorb them and state myself clearly...no.  Like tonight, just talking to my friend Adriane, it took me a while to actually get to what my feelings and points were on certain subjects.  I know I shouldn't be intimidated by my own friend, but I think I am with all my friends.  I see how talented they are.  I see how great they are at communicating and I just hear these negative thoughts in my head about myself.  Why can't I just accept myself for who I am.  So, yes, as I lay in my bed, I thought about how unhappy I've been.  There truly is no happiness...like I used to go to school to socialize...even feel better because I was with my friends.  I don't know what has broken my confidence or even my ability to confide in people.  Maybe it's the fact that I used to know what I was going to do and be in my life, but now there is this cloud of uncertainty that follows me everywhere.  I can't even keep my brain functioning properly.  I blamed it on drugs for a while, just because I used drugs once in a while for fun. But I haven't used those in a very long while and I just feel like I need some, so I can be atleast a little comfortable being around people.  Jeez, I think the only thing here is that I need to be strong.  It is inevitable that I will have to get a good career, get my degree, and move forth in my adult life.  I'm on my last leg of resistance.  It's all coming too quickly and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to handle it.  Thanks for listening....  I think I'll try to get some sleep now and try to keep moving forward. 

I found out the guy who has been my f*** buddy for two years, just got engaged to this girl he has only known for 2 months.  I figure he's happy. We called it quits about 3 months ago.  I knew he was looking for someone that is crazy, wild, knows how to party and all that. She's probably younger than I am. haha.  Well, congratualtions C.  You were the last guy on my "end" list.  I'm starting over this year.  I'm going to start an actual relationship with someone. It may not happen this year, but once I find the right man, I'll try to do everything right and not everything wrong, like I did... not so long ago.  I have learned from it all and I know what I want now.  Goodbye to all those who have taught me what life is and is not, made me feel so happy and yet so sad, and to those that didn't care at all.   

When is it necessary to take on your own kind of justice.  To harm someone who has done harm to you. For some they forgive and forget.  But others become consumed by rage and take matters into their own hands.  They find their prey and take them out...whether there are laws or are no laws. Could you hate someone that much? If they killed your family? If they tried to kill you?  Or just broke you down that you just had one goal in mind, to hunt them down and take them out. 

I would say I am capable of taking a person down who hurt me in any way.  Isn't it inside all of us.  The mind can be one's most brutal enemy, but even those memories of the past can torture us.  Are you capable of....killing? 

wow. I just read my last post and I am so random...and I don't really go into detail. What a shame.

Heh, I'm wondering if I should go into my life story here.  Well, here's a little bit more about myself.

I live with another girl in an apartment....who I am friends with, but really annoyed with at the moment.  Take for instance what happened last night. I go to bed and wake up at decent hours. At 11:30pm I hear banging and scraping coming from the kitchen, which is about a foot away from my room.  Turns out it is my roomie making dinner...yes dinner, or it could have been a snack, but it sounded and smelled like a full on dinner, and in between making dinner, she was washing the dishes.  Mind you, I was already in bed, lights off, trying to sleep.  What the fuck! You know what time she had woken up that morning...1pm. You know what I did before she woke up, I went grocery shopping, ordered my textbooks, paid some bills, and updated my resume....all...before...she....woke...up.  OK, so I was a little irritated, but c'mon, yeah we're on christmas vacation, but get on a normal schedule man!

My dad called me last night seeing if I was going to come home so that he could put in the "starter" for my car.  I'm not sure what the technical word for it is, but it's where you have that button attached to your keys that starts up your car and warms it up for you, so you don't have to sit in your car and make sure no one steals it...yeah, that thing.  I said, well any excuse to get out of my apartment, and took off to my parents house immediately. My roommate probably thinks I died or something....we haven't really spoken much lately.  I mean, the girl has no friends except me....but that's cool if that's what she wants.  I tried to introduce her to my friends. ah well. 

I am so not looking forward to this last semester.  And why the heck aren't there any guys on campus with substance...or that are just nice.  jeez, I need to get back to Cali! woo! 

Yesterday turned out to be somewhat interesting...at least after we had some more customers come in.  After a while of sitting around bored, I decided I would need to bring in a small board game or something so that me and my coworker could have something to do. I know you're probably thinking we should be cleaning, but I was already done with my cleaning list.  Saturdays are just pretty much slow all the time at my job. 

Well, an hour before we were supposed to close, my coworker Miguel's friend....not sure what his name is...Juan maybe, and Chelsea (a former worker) with her little boy comes in with him.  Apparently they just wanted a free meal. I hadn't seen Chelsea since summer and I asked her how she was and how her Christmas went...and then I saw that her belly was a little round (like she was pregnant again) and I asked, "Oh! Are you having another one?"  Oh....what a terrible thing to say...because she wasn't pregnant at all, but she intended to lose the weight.  I laughed nervously and said, "Oh, well good for you!" Oh my god, I was so embarrassed for saying that.  I mean, she REALLY looked like she was pregnant.  I'd say about 7 months along.  I thought that when you have a baby, the roundness goes down a bit and it just looks like fat.  I thought...but I guess I was wrong!  Heh, well for the rest of that hour she didn't try to talk to me anymore. 

So, yep, on the way home I dropped off Miguel and he pulled out an Applebee's gift card and said it was for me.  I said, "No, I can't take this, why don't you use it?"  Then I asked how much was on it.  About 15 bucks, I think he said.  I told him I could only use it if he comes with me.  He accepted and we're going to dinner tonight around five thirty.  On my way home I realized that me and some coworkers are supposed to meet up on Sunday (today) but I don't know if it was this sunday or the next.  But I'll just tell them we should meet next Sunday, since Miguel has never been to Applebees and he doesn't go to restaurants very often.  So hopefully they did not want to meet this Sunday.  Well, I've got to go clean up and get ready for the day.  bye!

What won't you miss about 2007? 
Submitted by uncagedbird.

I won't miss:

Those depressing days where I just wanted to give up.

The classes and teachers I had.

The times I spent in the Fibers Studio working on my weavings for long hours of the night.

And I think that's it...

Well hello there.  I decided that since it is the new year, I would try to keep a journal.  I used to keep one when I was little, but when I read it later on, I wasn't so please with how I represented myself at that time.  So now that I'm a bit older, I think this will work out much better:P

Anyways, I've got a few minutes before I leave to work, so I thought I would write a little before I leave.  I'm listening to Third Eye Blind's "She Likes Me for Me" and I can't help but feel a little sad.  It was one of those songs I'd listen to back in high school...they bring back memories of how carefree I used to be.  I'm graduating from college soon and it seems like it took forever to get to this point.  There are some things I wish I could change, but ya know, one shouldn't regret, but look forward to what is ahead and make it good.  This is a new year...it should be great!:)  Well, I'll post more later. Be sure to add me as a friend if you want:)

What do you do for fun when you're broke? 
Submitted by Kim. 

Haha I walk to the free art galleries downtown and just look around or hang out with friends.